Saturday, January 29, 2011


I've been wondering if my dedication to this story is healthy. In my devotional it says "anything you spend the most time on becomes your god". It seems like nothing like this should be obsessed over or thought about constantly. The thing is I'm not really obsessing over it...I'm just thinking a lot about God and mankind and all that makes up the big picture. I've had this voice in the back of my head saying something is wrong with me, but well...I have a lot of time free to think. Wouldn't you think about this kind of stuff if you were stuck inside more than the average person? And in winter? I think you would. So I know I'm not really obsessing. And anyway, isn't this what I'm supposed to obsess over, if anything? Wouldn't God be pleased if I was obsessed with him? I feel like maybe I'm finally turning in the right direction and paying attention to God and his work, and that seems foreign to everyone. Maybe that's why it feels like it's we should be doing 'more important things' like what everyone else does instead of spending time trying to understand our reality in its fullest. A lot of the writing I've done and the research has helped me grow in the Spirit, and also to learn more about other ways of worship.

For the record, when I say a lot...I don't mean I'm with my pen and pad all day long. I probably spend less than an hour even actively working on any part of my story, even ideas. But things come to me during the day, and I think about those who have been lost actively through the day. Maybe not when I'm busy, but certainly when I'm in a more restful state, just puttering around the house. It's hard not to feel watched when I've heard there is a 'great cloud of witnesses'. Maybe I don't want witnesses. But it's hard not to think about them when I know they might be watching and sometimes I wonder what they're thinking about. Do they see everything? It's important that I wonder about this because at some point it's going to be in my second story.

I think that's all it really is. Because this story is so deeply rooted in not just present reality, but in another reality, that I can't help but get lost in it. If you sit still for a moment and just think about existing forever and ever without end. Absolutely no ending. It is such a huge concept to fathom. It's quite overpowering. This is the kind of stuff I have to take in every day. So it's going to take effort and an a lot of brain power. See? I've answered my own question. You try writing about eternity and not let it overpower your thoughts. It's a huge undertaking, even if I've not really begun that part. As I said, I have to figure it out sometime...I may as well start wondering now.


  1. I think there is a very simple test to figure out if you're obsessed or not:

    Do you lose sleep on a constant basis over it?
    Do you not eat because of it?
    Do you neglect your duties because of it?
    When another person is talking to you, do you listen to what they say, or are you thinking about your story?
    When you're talking to another person, do you always talk about your story?
    Do you wake up thinking "story!"?
    Do you fall asleep thinking "story!"?

    If you've answered "yes" to most of these questions, then you're either obsessed, or you're an artist ;)

  2. Hmm...Most of those I don't do at all. Maybe once in a while I'll fall asleep thinking about heaven. I have my moments, like tonight when I watched the sunset and listened to some songs I've set aside for the story. =) The problem is that it's not just my story I'm thinking about. It's real life and heaven and everything the universe is made of. So it's not limited to just story-related ideas. Recently I haven't even worked on my story at all. Just kind of stuck. Actually I must admit I've become more balanced in my work. I used to spend a bit more time daydreaming than I ever have. I started to see that I was sort of dwelling on heaven and death too much. Although that was around the time I was also researching a lot of stuff, which is incredibly time-consuming for such little amounts of information. Combine story timeline with research and actual writing and becomes a pretty big deal. Remember that girls are emotional and since this story is very tied to my emotions, it's something that I think will probably always be on my heart no matter what.

  3. I see.

    I have times when certain subjects or things are on my mind a lot and it does help to let go once in a while when you start to notice it's taking up a lot of your time and attention.

    If its productive to keep thinking about heaven and life and whatnot, then it can't hurt that much. If its not productive and keeps you from otherwise living in the now and performing your other duties then it might be time to let it go for a little while again (if possible).
    I know you have a lot of time on your hands, so it may not be easy to find (good)distractions.

    It doesn't really sound like you're obsessed with it though.

  4. I completely forgot we were having a conversation here. -_-

    You're exactly right. Before, I was just daydreaming and living too much in that world and I wasn't getting anything else done. Now I'm more able to just tap into it when I need it for my story and to have that prize on the horizon as I'm on this journey.

    Sometimes I sit quietly for maybe an hour and just bask in that idea, but those days don't come often. I was never really concerned if I was obsessed with it...I think I just can't figure out why all of a sudden it means so much to me.

    I don't know why I'm even confused about that. I read C.S. Lewis' 'the problem of pain' where he theorizes that the we all yearn for heaven and it shows in everything we do, and in everything the world is made of. Sunsets are bittersweet because when we see them that yearning comes out somehow. Yet we're embarrassed and we can't tell people how we feel. I've always been afraid that I'd be made fun of or people would say I need to live in the here and now. Like when you're on vacation but you just can't stop thinking about home. I don't know, but I'm a changed person and I don't think I could ever go back to the way I was before even if I wanted to.

    With all that's going on in the world, I'm wondering if I shouldn't be working on this story more than I have been. It does help me to get through the day, knowing that this world is not forever. But I'm wondering if I'm running out of time. I guess that's not up to me to worry about, though. If Jesus comes tomorrow, this work is still not in vain. God has used it to do his work in me in the last year and maybe...maybe this is more for me than anyone else. And maybe if I just don't worry about what anyone thinks and just write what I feel it will all turn out okay. :P