9:04pm
I have so many papers written that I think it's time to type them up so they can be managed on the computer. At this point, I'm writing everything out of sequence so it's really easy for my papers to get out of order and all kinds of chaos. This is another big step in the process and means it's really coming along. =) I'm trying not to get critical about anything just yet because it's all so rough at this stage. Maybe that's why even now I'm putting off doing it--I know I'll nitpick? So far I'm not much impressed with anything I've written, but give it time. I know somehow it will turn out.
9:16pm
This has been a packed year for me. The list includes two marriages (one being my brother's), numerous graduations, the loss of thirty pounds, renewed health because of that loss, miscellaneous revelations about my life and what I want to do, and this incredible knowledge of so much more than me and this world.
My story isn't just a story. It's a collection of feelings and experiences that any of us could have. It's the story of everyone who came before us, and everyone who waits for us. I feel inept at translating my feelings from my heart onto the paper because it's something that doesn't really fit into words. It's destiny, hope, love, LIFE. It's everything we've ever dreamed and more. The story is just a mere imitation of the ideas I've come to hold dear, but it can't go untold. I have to write it down. Transferring it from one to the other has been the greatest journey. I was unsure before, but now I know wholeheartedly that this is what I was meant to do.
Recently I've started drawing closer to God. It happened one day when I was so exhausted mentally from trying to do things on my own strength that I felt physically weak. I cried out to God in that moment and he started reeling me in. Every day I've been diving into the word. My sister-in-law gave me a book with devotions that are written as though Jesus is talking to me. It's the most wonderful thing I've read. I can't wait until He really is speaking to me and I can actually hear His voice. Something has changed, and though I tend to yo-yo back and forth from Him, I know that something's different. I see my struggles as contained within each day. Before I considered them all strung together, each wave of forgiveness having to cover all of them. And if I screwed up once I felt terrible (as I should) but in a incredibly condemned way. Now I look at each day as new. Instead of saying I fell yesterday so what's the use in getting up today, I now don't even look at yesterday's mistakes. They're covered. I don't have to make the same mistakes today. I think that's what it means to be free while on this earth. Not being weighed down with every failure. To make a long story short, I've grown a lot this year, in ways I can't possibly realize now. If I hadn't been working on this story...I don't think much of that would have happened.
During Fall, the railroad company here in Holland always gets in trouble with their trains because of the leafs that fall on the rails.
ReplyDeleteSomeone one time said in a sermon that our Christian lives can be like that.
Our "train" is rolling along nicely, then we hit "leafs" and we slow down, coming to a halt. We have to get out of the train, get rid of the leafs, and then slowly start up again untill we're rolling again. Only to once again come to a halt because of the next "leafs".
I still experience life like that a lot. Whenever I fall into an old sinful habit I hate myself and want to be punished. God then feels far away, and it is like I have to start all over to build our relationship. Which in reality isn't true.
I think it is great that you've come to learn to "keep rolling" and that the fact that you are forgiven is so grounded in your thinking and doing.
That is something I wish to have too; to know, really know with every fiber of my being, that I am free and forgiven and made right with God once and for all.
Your and my experiences are also very different, but God works with us on our own levels and that is really awesome too!
I'm happy for you that you've had such positive things happen to you. Your health improving is especially wonderful! We can so so much more when we're healthy :)
I didn't always have faith that I was really forgiven, and I had doubts about my salvation. Then I started going back to the Bible, seeing that the whole point is that I can't do it on my own. I think its our nature to say it can't be that easy. But that's what's so awesome about it!
ReplyDeleteI think the "keep rolling" thing came about because of a quote that kept popping into my head that said 'God is happy even with our stumbles if we just keep walking' or something like that.
One day in the book that I'm reading it said you can achieve the victorious life through dependence on Jesus. It is through problems and failures that we learn to rely on Him. 'This is not a path of continual success but of multiple failures. However, each failure is followed by a growth spurt, nourished by increased reliance on Me.' I know for a fact that that's true. If I keep coming back to Him no matter my failures, I grow. Every time I fall it's a learning experience, and I can see what I did wrong and what to do next time. And I learn why the Bible is so true. Verses become more real because I live them and I understand them more fully.
I like the leaf analogy. =)
Yes exactly! We can't "do it" on our own. My favourite verse then would be "I am the vine, you are the branches. Apart from me you can do nothing!" Nothing is a big word, but it is exactly right when Jesus says that.
ReplyDeleteHe alone can provide our new life, new will etc.
This is something you can know in theory, like I did at first, but now it becomes more real, as you put it, because I see it in my own life.
Right =) I also like the verse "Therefore if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come." I used to think that was just a metaphor, but now I wonder if it isn't physiologically true.
ReplyDeleteC.S. Lewis says in his book The Problem of Pain that with the fall humanity became a different kind of creature, one that God had never created. So maybe when people get saved and they start changing inside, they literally do become new creations. =)
I sometimes worried that my spiritual growth wasn't going fast enough, and that I would not be ready for my new role in Christs' army, if you will, if He were to come now.
ReplyDeleteBut then I realized, if I can't bring spiritual growth to myself, then I don't need to worry. Because Jesus is making that happen, and when God starts a good work in people, He will not leave it before its done.
That said, I still have no clue what it would be like to suddenly go from 'René - 2 year old Christian' to 'René - finished new creation of God'. Surely I'll be made ready to do my new job :) I just wonder what that would be like.
I don't always see myself as being all that new, though when I think about it hard, then I know it is true. That's why it is so good to hear from you and other people that I have changed and that Gods work is visible in me.
People need to see the difference :) Otherwise, how can we be a light to the world?
And I wonder what sort of battle we will be fighting then...physical or spiritual?
ReplyDeleteWell the man next to Jesus on the cross only had less than a day and he'll be alongside us. I think being released to be fully human is all we really need to fight against evil. It's quite a thing to wrap your head around though. ;-)
Sometimes I think I haven't grown much, but then I have a good friend who comes along and says I've really grown. I've known her since i was sixteen so she's had some time to see the change.
I think we expect ourselves to be perfect and wise when we need to witness to people, but I think maybe our growth is an incredible witness as well, for those watching it happen.
Yes, what our task will be is, as far as I know, still a complete mystery. :)
ReplyDeleteWow, I'm glad you brought up the man who was next to Jesus on the cross! I knew about that before, yet I never really thought about that when in doubt about my spiritual growth.
I'll keep that in mind :)
"Wow, I'm glad you brought up the man who was next to Jesus on the cross!" Just one of the many ways that Christ is working without us even realizing it. ;-) Ironically, I think about that verse all the time.
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